"I had seen how destructive this disease was through my parents. Even seeing that though i had always told myself i was never gonna be like that. I clung to that idea, even when i was actually doing so many of the same things i had seen other addicts do. Finally making a decision to go to treatment was truly the best decision i ever made for myself. Just before that, i had been living with my grandparents and i had been stealing from them. When my dad found out he started messaging me and saying some things i probably needed to hear but that were really hard to hear. Ultimately that he was disappointed in me and who i had become. I got those texts and cried right there on the spot in the middle of a store. A few days after that he came to my grandparents house, which was the only place i still had to go, and he told me that he wished he had a son that he could be proud of. It was just words on my part but i told him i was an alcoholic and a drug addict, which he already knew. I told him i needed to go to rehab. My mom is in the program so i called her, stayed with her for a few days and ultimately got into a 14 day place. I finally felt comfortable once i was in there. I was finally doing something for myself for once. That feeling when you're working and doing something constructive, i hadn't felt like that in a long time."
"People were getting high all around me and my room mate was smoking meth and folding my clothes and all that. It was by no means a luxurious place but it really all came down to how bad i wanted it. And i really wanted it because i had been beaten and broken for a long time. None of it really made sense to me at first. I remember one group that brought meetings into the treatment center though. They just had this look in their eye, you know? They laid out cycle of addiction clearly but it was really more about one of them talking about how his life was now and his relationship with his father. He had this freedom and i could see it in his eyes. And that was the kind of stuff that was eating me up and keeping me up at night... All those things i had done to my family. So i wanted what he had."
"I got out and got into a recovery house and i went through a lot of sponsors because i wasn't totally willing to go all the way through the work. I was convinced that i was different and stronger than other addicts. Sponsors wanted me to talk about feelings and who i really was. And the way i grew up, talking about things like that made you weak. Talking about things like that could get you punched in the face. At 62 days sober though i was with a few friends in recovery to a sports bar to watch the Connor Magregor fight. I ran into a guy from my past who owed me money so i hit him up. He said he didn't have the money but he had some pills though and i immediately got scared. Like i was shaking because it was right in front of my face for the first time. So i left there and immediately ran into the guy who i had asked to sponsor me but never called. And that was God showing me what i needed to do. And that's how i got into this work."
"The guy who i finally worked the steps with didn't tell me to call him everyday, he just wanted to meet and do the work. We got through 1. 2 and 3 and i still didn't really know what was going on. And yet that's how powerful this work is, because it still worked for me. I understood it later on. He 5th stepped me and even with an incomplete 4th step that definitely could have been more honest and thorough, something still happened for me. I had a spiritual experience. I didn't really notice it for a while but when i was driving home after making amends to my mom, i felt like i was really living for the first time ever. I had been so numb to everything and so emotionally blocked off. And i felt that that and started crying right there on the spot. Also, when i was making amends to my mom, she told me that she had made her amends to me years before and honestly, i didn't even remember that happening. That's how blocked off and out of it i had been. I had been in blackout mode my whole life."
"The 12 Steps are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me though bro. I'm at a point in my life where i feel blessed with this disease. It brought me to here and now and has given me this way to help people. For me this is the highest calling that there is. People are essentially finding God right before me every day. I don't like living out here much but working makes up for it. The program we offer and getting guys through 12 step work thoroughly. That makes a big difference. The last facility i worked out was into cognitive therapy and didn't have much of a program. The weekends were full of watching TV and fishing. And that's just not treatment. That's not using your time in to truly get better. Everything that i tell these guys is something that i had to hear myself or even need to hear at the time. I see myself in every one of these men here. That look of misery they have in their eyes, i can see it because that's me. Everything they are struggling with is something i have struggled with. I'm just a little further along than they are. There is no other person in the world that can truly help an alcoholic like an alcoholic can. I believe you can have spiritual experiences in church and through other paths, but i know this works. I regularly see people find God right before my eyes. To see that misery stripped away from them and to see that change take place in them, often before they even see it. That's what we get to do in this deal."